Ambisiosa.

Its not something bad, i’ve just done a lot of thinking and realized how confused I am.

It all started with my unusually long internet surfing. I’ve read my RELSFOR assignment and I’ve got nothing else to do, and I was on the verge of writing an album review of Up Dharma Down’s Fragmented. In order to get started, I was reading other album reviews on different blogs, and of course these blogs have links to other blogs. In no time, I was blog-hopping, something I haven’t done in a long time.

I read not just any other blog, but celebrity blogs, blogs of OPM personalities in particular. (Well, I do that after going to my friend’s blogs) Earlier, I just visited Jugs Jugeta’s Blog (of Itchyworms! fame), Francis Reyes’ LJ (The Dawn guitarist, NU Jock) linked to his’ girlfriends’ LJ (and by the way, ANG DIYOSA NG GIRLFRIEND NIYA! Lucky Guy!) , Mich Dulces’ LJ (PBB housemate, Death by Tampon Vocalist), Armi Millares’ LJ (Up Dharma Down Vocalist)…and that’s about it. I could’ve read Quark Henares’ LJ (Indie Filmaker and host of NU Let’s Fun) but there weren’t any updates yet.  It was fun reading accounts about their own little world, playing in gigs, appearing in Noontime Shows, hanging out with fellow musicians, going to other countries to meet other Internationally Acclaimed Rockstars, meeting local TV and film celebrities, their opinions about the music industry, their own little lakad’s with their friends known and unknown…I was definitely engrossed.

For me they’re like this simple-intellectual-elite part of the middle-class soceity, famous and idolized among the masas, respected by the middle people, socialistas and big-time personalities.  They’re not like your unreacheable artistas whose every move gets scrutinized by people because they’re exposed to the public eye, and worse, get misjudged for their actions. They’re famous, and yet they’re real, they can do anything they want, and still not judged as being posers (unlike actors/actresses who sideline as vocalists). They’re your ordinary, abot-kamay personalities with humble beginnings and yet they hangout with those who have high stature.

I guess I’m fond of high soceity, and maybe somehow I want to be part of that group. I get lost in reading the pages of Cosmopolitan,Metro, Metro Soceity, Philippine Tatler, People, PULP, wishing that I could give away gifts suggested by these magazines amouting to 50k  Php and above without a cinch, hoping to attend those exclusive parties, concerts and events. Rub elbows with fashion, entertainment,and music personalities. I want to be like Tim Yap or Tessa Prieto or Quark Henares or Nina Sandejas or Ebe Dancel or Rissa Samson (ako model? haha, asa)

Ang elitista ko pala.

But then again, Ako’y isang ordinaryong mambabasa.

Nakapag-aral sa exclusive all-girls school dahil sa sweldo ng nanay at tatay ko. Nakapag-aral sa La Salle dahil sa pinag-retirohan ng tatay ko. Nagbabasa ng scanlation ng Naruto. Mahilig sa Anime. Estudyante ng ECE, na sobrang walang kinalaman sa entertainment industry, kaya kung maging successful engineer man ako, hindi ako lalabas sa soceity pages. Hindi ka-talentado para maging musikero. Isang hamak na taga-pakinig lamang.  Kabarkada ko mga Engineer din, mga simplemeng mamamayan, hindi taga-Forbes, San Miguel Village, o kung saan man. Kaparehas ko, taga-Pandacan. Nag-jjeep. Laging walang pera. Nag-sttutter pag nag-iingles, mayabang at diretso pag nananagalog.

In short, I’m ordinary and not-really-that-gifted/talented. Nakakagulo kasi hindi ko talaga alam kung anung gusto ko sa buhay. Kung gusto ko bang yumaman at maging sikat na pwede na akong lumabas sa soceity pages kahit mukha akong basura, o maging isang ordinaryong mamamayan, enhinyera, hindi kilala, kagaya ng buhay ko ngayon…

O di kaya, itapon ang paghahangad sa soceity pages, at maglingkod sa mga kapus-palad, katulad ng plano sating lahat ng Panginoon.

Ambisiosa. Ambisiosa talaga ako.